So here it is.
a testimony from the heart:
Ive screwed up my life all by myself! oh the joy!
ok, im being silly now..!
though i really did ruin my life..
im about to go to a uni i dont like. i crashed my car 2 months ago and i have to settle with my mums old one. i fractured my spine and this is the 7th week im stuck at home. after some thinking and absolute depression i broke it off with my bf who was just amazing and whom ive recently discovered that ive deeply totally fallen for, though hes not there to catch me since i pushed him away. i have no friends left, cz as mentioned above i tend to push people away. i feel that im not worth anything. my parents are all ive got now, how lame is that. i cant see the few friends that ive got left. theres really no point in trying to make up with the ex, not that he would have me back, since im locked up in my house unable to go out. the only familiar face ive seen in the last 6 weeks was just someone i know and it was by accident at a totally random place.

though, i am glad i can afford to go to uni in generally. And that my mum borrowed me her car to have a way to move around later on. And that i can still walk. And that i spared him the heartache of being with someone who he couldnt really be with. And that i can make new friends. And that my parents love me and are here for me. And that i have a future ahead of me.

still.. what about the present? How do i make it through the ruins?
*sighs*
i honestly dont know anymore..